Nikki Gangemi: Why High Achievers Overthink

Jaclyn Strominger 0:21

Hello, everybody, and welcome to another amazing episode of the Unstoppable Success Podcast. I am your host, Jaclyn Strominger. And as you know, on this podcast, we hear from amazing leaders. They share their tips, their insights so that you can have unstoppable success. And today I get to introduce you to Nikki Gangemi. And let me tell you a little bit about Nikki. She is the founder of Mindful Matters, and she is a board-certified NLP practitioner and a hypnotherapist. No, she's not going to make you fall asleep right now. And she helps high-achieving professionals get out of their own heads and back into their power. She works with driven leaders who may who may look successful on the outside, but are internally battling overthinking, second-guessing, emotion, emotional exhaustion, and mental overload through deep practical mindset work, including the CALM Method, I try to say that calmly, and subconscious reprogramming, she helps people clear the emotional clutter, trust themselves again, and move forward with clarity, calm, and conviction. If you have ever replayed conversations, questioned your decisions, or felt like your mind was slowing your momentum, this conversation is going to speak directly to you. So welcome, Nikki.

Nikki Gangemi 1:43

Thank you, Jaclyn. I'm excited to be here. And I love your humor. So good.

Jaclyn Strominger 1:50

I'm like, I'm so not calm. I'm like, I'm like so high energy. I'm like, oh, I gotta bring it down.

Nikki Gangemi 1:58

I had to learn how to bring it down because it wasn't natural, that's for sure.

Jaclyn Strominger 2:03

So, Nikki, you know, we don't wake up every day being, you know, NLP practitioners and getting into this realm of calm. So talk to us about how you got to this space, because you know, that journey obviously helps create that unstoppable success.

Nikki Gangemi 2:22

Yes, it does. And boy, has it been a journey. I'll give you the highlights. I'll give you the fast version, the clip notes. So, yeah, as I was saying, my calm was not a default for me. And I had since I was a kid struggled with these negative thoughts, the constant mental noise, and and it didn't feel good. It didn't feel good to be inside of my body. And I wanted so badly to be happy and and to feel good about myself. So at 16, my mom got me my very first personal development book. And I was like, oh wow, there's other people like me. Like people get it. Like I felt seen, heard, and understood. So 16 was my entry point into understanding what do you do with the noise in your head? What do you do with the emotions that you're feeling? And I just became obsessed with learning how to feel better. So fast forward, always wanted to act. Acting was an outlet for me because it got me to be somebody other than myself who I really despised at one time. And I got to pretend to be others, and it just felt so good. So I moved out to LA at 23. I was like, I'm gonna pursue this dream, and I gave myself an entire year to make it.

Jaclyn Strominger 3:52

Wow, but 965 days. Yes.

Nikki Gangemi 3:58

And while I was out there, it was the best year of my life, but my head got in the way, and I kept looking for every piece of evidence or reason for why I wouldn't make it, why I wasn't good enough, and why I didn't have what it took. And after my lease was up that

Doing Everything “Right”—and Still Feeling Unhappy

Nikki Gangemi 4:18

year, I found my way back home to New Jersey, and I'm like, now what do what do I do? I've only ever wanted to act. So I ended up living other people's dream of me being an elementary school teacher, and that is what I settled into, and I did that for 15 years. But again, it was the noise and the thoughts, and I was so unhappy, and I was telling myself, my God, I did everything I was told to do. I got the college education, the master's degree, I bought the house. Uh where's my husband, kids, and white picket fence that I was told comes with this certainty and stability package. And so early midlife crisis, the big 4-0, I turned 40, and I decided, you know what? I think I'm gonna live the second act of my life on my terms, and I'm gonna do what I want to do. So I ended up resigning, and that led me to do what I do today, helping people to break through those glass ceilings really that they put on themselves and change those patterns that have been running the show since you were a kid.

Jaclyn Strominger 5:30

Okay, so wait, so I just have to interrupt for a second. So, first of all, I just have to say kudos to your mom, like right, like for recognizing that. Like, oh crap.

Nikki Gangemi 5:40

I mean, that was like huge, huge, huge. She knew she herself couldn't help me, but she gave me the manual, so to speak. Like, she started with that book. She would record episodes of Oak Rope, or started the Super Soul series, and she'd interview all different kinds of authors in the personal growth field, and I'd watch that. So she was a big part of catalyst for me on some of this stuff.

Jaclyn Strominger 6:06

Yeah, no, but that's absolutely, absolutely huge. Because I I mean, I like think about I just think about how many people, as you said, like are in this, are in this, and don't, you know, giving you that book, it's like, ooh, being able to say there's other people like me, right? Okay, so weird. I'm just gonna interject this in here. All of a sudden I just had this crazy thought, and this is generational, so I'm gonna, it's gonna show my age, but I had this thought of like Judy Bloom, Judy, Judy Bloom's book. Like, dear, like, whatever, where are you? Like, it's me, it's Margaret, whatever. Like, you know that book?

Nikki Gangemi 6:42

Oh, I read those books in school. Yeah, right.

Jaclyn Strominger 6:45

It was like, oh my god, right. Anyway, sorry. So if anybody is listening, you know, listeners, go look up Judy Bloom. There's some interesting books. When I was growing up, Forever was one of those that was like, oh, like, go look at it anyway.

Nikki Gangemi 7:01

I love it.

Jaclyn Strominger 7:02

Um, but but it's true, it's like finding that. So, like, really big kudos to your mom. But but I guess this is the thing that that's really interesting, is that you know, you were, you know, the big turning 4-0, that catalyst to say I need something better.

Nikki Gangemi 7:26

I needed something more that fit, you know, I was feeling like that square peg round hole. Yeah, so you know, like I just didn't feel like I would sit on those auditorium seats during faculty meetings, and I was just like, I don't have the same passion that these other teachers have. It just didn't feel like a fit for me.

Jaclyn Strominger 7:48

So you felt like it was more like do you feel like you were more going like on a hamster wheel? Like are you just kind of or going through the motions?

Nikki Gangemi 7:55

I felt like yeah, following what I was told to do. I was very much, you know, would not trust myself and trust that others knew better. And it was more like, yeah, this is what I'm supposed to do, and I'm just kind of following that. So it felt like going through the motions, but it was uncomfortable internally to feel that way and to keep watching everybody around me, you know, moving on, getting married, having kids, and and enjoying life. And it's like, you know what? Maybe if I step into my own agency and take back my life and do things my way, maybe that's the thing I need to do to feel good on the inside.

Jaclyn Strominger 8:42

Yeah, I I feel, you know, and I I I totally get that. It's really, you know, leadership. You have to start with leading yourself and understanding who you are on the inside first before you can lead on the outside.

Nikki Gangemi 8:53

Yes. Yes. Now I will say that it was maybe 12 years into my teaching career, I did start a mindfulness program for kids. It was this moment where, you know, you meet people for a reason, a season, or a lifetime, that kind of a thing.

From Teacher to Mindful Matters

Nikki Gangemi 9:13

I I ran into a coworker in the coffee in the parking lot of a coffee shop, and I was complaining, you know, about my job and everything. And he's like, Nikki, why don't you just bloom where you're planted? And I had this like visceral reaction in my body. I knew it was important, but had no idea what it meant. But I put it on the back burner. And then months later, I, you know, I meet who I think is the guy of my dreams. He's like, Mr. Perfect. I met him on Plenty of Fish. And it turned out he was a reason in a very short season. He has a one day when we were talking, he's like, Nikki, if there's something that you want to do, you want to speak, speak in your living room. Like, you don't wait for opportunity to come to you, you pave the way. And with that, bloom where you're planted came back up to the surface. And I thought, oh, mindful matters. I am teaching in a district that I went through as a kid and I was picked on and bullied, and I allowed it to hold me back. And I was seeing the same things happening. So I'm like, what if I teach these kids how to manage their thoughts, how to process emotions? And I pitched the idea to the principal. I piloted the program for a year. I loved it. I felt alive as alive as I was back in LA, pursuing acting. And I and I thought this is what I'm meant to do. But when they the district decided to shut it down after a year, that's when I thought, okay, not gonna pack my bags and go back home, so to speak, like I did back when I was 24. What else would this look like? And that's where I was introduced to the coaching industry. And I was like, oh, okay, I didn't even know that existed. But I had a business coach say you can go from children to adults and from local to global. And that was the start of that pivot.

Jaclyn Strominger 11:13

I I love that. So when you made that, when you when you okay, so you make that shift. What was like what were some of those like big hurdles for you? Because I think other people could probably, you know, glean from that because you know, I think a lot of people probably have that. Like, what are those hurdles that you go from from going from like one industry, you know, you see this, now you're you said, you know, go from local to global.

Nikki Gangemi 11:46

Yeah, the the shift when I made the decision, because I stayed in my job for two years while I was getting trained and certified. Some of the things that came up is, is it too late? You know, I was approaching 40 at the time, and it's like, you know, am I too old to start again? That came up. Do I have what it takes? You know, I said, Oh, I don't have a background in business. You know, I went to school and was a communications major. And so some of those thoughts came up, you know, the do I have what it takes? Interestingly, same thought that came up in California when I made the decision that I didn't and I left. So it's funny how these voices they're around for decades. Right. Um, is this responsible? Is this responsible when I started like thinking, do I resign from this job and go all in on the business? Because I was doing it, you know, nights moonlighting as an entrepreneur, nights and weekends for two years. And you know, so that was another thought. Is this responsible? I have a mortgage to pay, I'm on my own. Maybe I should wait until I have a husband and there's a second income. Those were the thoughts that were coming in my mind. And then I thought, you know what? What would it look like if I just did this on my own? What if it, what would it look like if I made if I took a chance on me? And then my business coach at the time, she said, you know, you could leap and grow your wings on the way down. So I said, you know what? I I like the way that sounds. I'm just gonna, I'm gonna do that.

Jaclyn Strominger 13:25

Yep. Yeah. That is a saying that somebody else has said, and I can't think of who it is, but I just I happened to, I happened to be listening to Jack Canfield's book and success principles. And he literally, I in my listen yesterday, he said that.

Nikki Gangemi 13:43

Wow, look at that.

Jaclyn Strominger 13:44

Right? Like he said, you know, leap and grow your wings on the way down, and it somebody else had said that. And I I'm gonna have to page through the book to figure out who it is. But anyway, great book. If you have it, I'll put a link to that if anybody hasn't read it yet, but a really good book. Anyway, but that's really great. I mean, so that those are voices that so many people have. Yes. So many people have. So was it the was it working with your coach or the training that you were going through that was that was that enabled you to quiet those voices?

Nikki Gangemi 14:18

It was it had been a combination of all the work that I did over the years. Like I said, I started at 16 reading those types of books. Gary Zukov's Seat of the Soul was one of my first books. And it's like, what 16-year-old is reading that? This one here at therapy. I was in and out of therapy for

Why Mindset Work Is a Practice, Not a Quick Fix

Nikki Gangemi 14:38

15 years in my life. And and then the training that I went through, you know, you mentioned NLP and hypnotherapy. I got to experience all of that myself as I was learning it. And that was really helpful. And how do you start to change the patterns in your mind and the way you habitually think to quiet those, the the noise and really start seeing yourself in a different way and operating differently? So I would say it was a big combination of everything that helped me to do that, but it's the practice, it's making it a way of living. You know, it's just not like it's not a one and done kind of thing. I would say awareness is the first step, you know, having this awareness and then a willingness to lean into it and you know, and ask questions and be curious. Perhaps there's another way of doing this.

Jaclyn Strominger 15:34

You know, I I love that you just said that because, you know, I want to kind of take these each. Practice. So, listeners, that's like a really key, a really key success tip. You know, practice means that you are doing something. If it doesn't go the right way on day one, you, as I always like to say, MMA, you measure, monitor, adjust, and you keep practicing until it gets into where you want to be. You know, we all know Nikki and I were talking a little bit before the show started, you know, it's the 10-year overnight success. That 10-year overnight success comes with 10 years of practice. Yes, right? Yes. Right. And then the awareness is so key too, because you need to be aware of where you want to be going and what you're doing while you're practicing, too.

Nikki Gangemi 16:38

Yes, you want to be aware. And and and then the willing, because I'll say it's uncomfortable. Even when you become aware of something, a lot of times it's like, oh, I don't want to feel that, I don't want to look at that. You know, it's like when they just go and, you know, I'll shove it down or I'll go distract myself and do something different. But being willing to be uncomfortable and sit with it to see what is on the other side of this. Right.

Jaclyn Strominger 17:04

And and that willingness, and as you just said, sit with the uncomfortable. You know, everybody, you know, I feel like everybody says this, right? But it's true, like change happens outside the comfort zone. But in order to get to the comfort zone, you have to, as you just said, willing the willingness to sit with uncomfortableness. Yes, yeah.

Nikki Gangemi 17:26

And you know what? You don't have to sit that long. It's a it's amazing. I remember listening to Dr. Jill Balti Taylor in an interview, neuroscientist, she had a stroke and then had to relearn how to talk, walk, everything. And she wrote a book, My Stroke of Insight. And she said that it takes 90 seconds to process an emotion. So if you're feeling anger or frustration or sadness or whatever emotion for longer than that minute and a half, it just means that you're in the story, you're repeating it, you know, you're marinating in it. And these are my words, not hers. But yeah, if you if you sit and like invite it in as a friend, come on in, anger, let's have a cup of tea together, and you breathe through it, it dissipates in a couple of minutes.

Jaclyn Strominger 18:21

And it's a choice, it's a choice, right? It's a choice. You have it, you have a choice. I can sit in anger, and how you respond to something is a choice.

Nikki Gangemi 18:34

Yes, yeah, that's that's within our circle of control, is right what we choose, even where we choose to place our focus. Am I focusing? Um, am I looking in the rear view mirror, telling myself the old story? Oftentimes the answer is yes. And well, now that I have the awareness, now I can choose differently.

Jaclyn Strominger 18:53

Yeah, I love that. So you started Mindfill Matters, which I think is so great. So talk a little bit about some of the impact that you're now having, because I think it's absolutely phenomenal on people and companies, because that's you know, impact is so important.

Nikki Gangemi 19:10

It is, it's one of my top values. Impact. So I love that you said that. So I kept the name. I figured, you know what? It was a it was a mindfulness program for kids. I made it an LLC back in 2016 because I was like, you know what? I'm the kind of person that I'm not gonna have to have all my ducks in a row. I'm just gonna take action.

Subconscious Patterns, “I’m Never Chosen” & the CALM Method

Nikki Gangemi 19:30

I probably made it an LLC too soon, but I did. And I said, you know what, why not keep the name? Because a lot of this is becoming mindful of what you're thinking, where your focus is, how you feel. So the way I work with adults today, uh a lot of them tend to be high achievers. They carry a lot, they put a lot of pressure on themselves, and they present very well. They are successful and they look very successful, and then privately inside, they still struggle with overthinking and self-doubt because the same patterns are running from when they were a kid. So I help them to get clear on what are those patterns that are running underneath that are driving the behaviors. Maybe it's people pleasing, maybe it's perfectionism, maybe it's it's you know, I can't say no, and I'm feeling resentful on the inside because now I have all these things I said yes to, whatever the behavior is. I help them get to what is the pattern driving that, and let's clear that so that they naturally start changing how they act, how they show up.

unknown 20:40

Right.

Jaclyn Strominger 20:41

I I love that. I you know, listeners, I would bet like this is something that is so important. Like so many of us, so and so many people have those underlying voices that you know creep in. You know, I've I've listened to some other people and they've you know, and and it's amazing how many people, how many CEOs at the top that have that still have an imposter syndrome. Yes.

Nikki Gangemi 21:17

You can I share a story? You made me think of it. Yeah, I think this will this will help to make it really tangible. I became aware of a memory back in high school where it was we were in gym class, and I think it might have been basketball. I don't remember what sport we were focused on, and we had to choose teams, and I'm waiting and waiting to be chosen, and um, I was never chosen. We got down to it where there was nobody left but me, and then the teacher, he's like, All right, who's gonna take Mickey? Which one are you? And I was so embarrassed, and I made the decision I'm never chosen. Chosen and I also felt like I had to wait to be chosen. So fast forward how that starts playing out in my life, waiting for the guy to choose me in dating instead of going after what I want in business, waiting for the client to come to me and say, Can you help me? So the impact that and I've I've done that for at least five or six years in my business. So we're looking at decades of how I'm never chosen and I have to wait for someone to come to me, how that's spilled over into other areas of my life and has slowed me down.

Jaclyn Strominger 22:50

Wow. And and then you've been able to flip that switch. Yes.

Nikki Gangemi 22:56

Because you know, it you have to shine the light of awareness on. If you're not aware of something, it's hard to change it, right? You know, so I give the example of if I'm out, you know, having lunch and I'm talking and I'm smiling and I'm not aware there's a piece piece of lettuce in my teeth, I can't do anything about it till somebody points it out. Now I could choose, right? So yeah, becoming aware of it and then changing that pattern so so that you start acting differently, so that I can initiate. You know, it even showed up with friends. I would never make plans with friends. And some of my friends would say, you know, well, you're annoying. I always have to be the one to initiate a plan. And I would think if they if they wanted to hang out with me, they would ask, you know, they would choose to. So it was that pattern was really playing out for most of my life. Wow. And so once you have made that shift, what what has it done for you? Well, now I initiate conversations, I'll reach out and make plans. You know, I'm still not the one, I'm still a little old-fashioned when it comes to dating. I still let the guy, but in the online dating space, I do start lots of conversations. Initiate the like, you know. And then with client, you know, even being able to, you know, listen for a problem and to be able to say, I help with that. Would you like to have a conversation? That that was new. That's what changed. And that has led to more clients.

Jaclyn Strominger 24:25

That's awesome. I absolutely love that. So, Nikki, you you what you're doing, I think is so great and having an amazing impact. How can our listeners learn more about you, the things that you're doing, the impact that you're making, learn more about mindful matters?

Nikki Gangemi 24:41

Thank you. Yeah, they can connect with me. They can go to my website, which is my name, nikkigangemi.com. I have some free resources to get started. Also on the website, you can access my book, The Calm Method, which teaches you a four-step framework for how to calm the chaos in your mind and get to a place where you have that clarity and confidence to take action on those aligned decisions. And then also connect with me on social media. I'm across LinkedIn, Instagram, and Facebook.

Jaclyn Strominger 25:12

Awesome. All right. Well, I will put all of those in your in the show notes. Listeners, please do me the favor and reach out to Nikki. She is so amazing at what she's doing and what she does. She's she's smart and she's great, and she can really help you, you know, get over, you know, get rid of those crazy voices in your head. And trust me, I know we all have them. Um so please do me the favor and reach out and connect with Nikki. And then do me the next favor, if you don't mind, and please share this episode with friends, business colleagues, because I know it's really important for them to hear this. And then lastly, two things. We have a great new school community, unstoppable success. The link to that, join into our school community. And then if you're interested in growing your own relationship capital, we've got a seven-day challenge that is out. It's free, and it's going to help you grow and make better connections and get some ROI on those people that you know. So, Nikki, thank you for being an amazing guest. Listeners, thank you for listening. This is the Unstoppable Success podcast where we help you leap to your greatest success. Here's to your unstoppable success. You've been listening to the Unstoppable Success podcast with Jaclyn Strominger. Subscribe, share, and keep building your unstoppable life. We'll see you at the top.